I’m going to start his by restating that this is not an exact science. For every piece you read about what something is you will find another that provides a counter opinion. This really just is one person’s understanding of what this is.
What is submissive?
Most people would start something like this off with some kind of dictionary definition; I’m not. I find that presenting a bunch of words from a book called a dictionary is too simplistic and cannot represent the diversity of experience.
What I’m going to say is this:
Submission is fundamentally all about the position you choose within a specific relationship. It is an idea that allows someone to express their sexual needs and identity is a constructive way that allows that identity to be validated and needs meet.
The idea of submission within the context of a dominant/submissive relationship can look like many things. So for ease of conversation submissive, slave, bottom, little, all of those labels that identify the submissive partner in a relationship are all tied up in this one word. The variation of expression is going to be explored in later posts.
Within this context submissive is the object, the dominant is the subject, and while the subject acts and the object is acted upon this is done in a way that provides both parties with a relationship that is fulfilling and engaging.
The way a submissive exists within any given relationship is unique. There is no one way to be the submissive partner. The way that a relationship looks; in terms of structure and everydayness, is totally up to those people in the relationship.
There are NO acts that are inherently submissive (or dominant for that matter) a woman who chooses this role does not have any obligation to satisfy anyone elses understanding of the word but her own and the person she is with.
The variety of relationship that a submissive can engage in is endless; some want marriage & kids others wants a onetime experience with someone who has a specific skill set. Some have rules and some don’t. Some have a dynamic that uses punishment others don’t. Some call their partner by a title and some don’t. The only limit to what can be is what those people in the relationship need.
Being submissive is an authentic experience. That is you are being true to who you are at all times rather than reproducing what others assume this to be. This includes reproducing what you may have seen in porn! Porn offers a very narrow representation of the submissive in a D/s relationship. One that is often void of agency & character.
Being submissive is a satisfying experience that allows you to explore your sexuality and sexual desires in relationships and through experiences that satisfy you.
Being submissive means that you have explored this idea and gained enough knowledge into what this can look like in order to create your own identity and experiences.
Being submissive is about taking a need and having that meet in a way that is both safe and consensual.
WHAT IT ISN’T
An excuse for dysfunction – if you are not in control than you cannot hand control to someone else. Submission will not fix anything that is not working!!
Co-dependency; constant and excessive emotional and psychological reliance on your partner is not healthy. D/s allows both the dominant and the submissive to have their needs meet, these needs balance each other out within the relationship.
The ability to set and maintain boundaries. We all have a limit as to the attitudes and behaviours that we will accept and being submissive does not change this. You do not have to accept everything in order to be submissive. Saying no is perfectly normal and okay.
A way to avoid responsibility you are as equally responsible for maintaining the functionality of the relationships as your dominant is.
A reason to not communicate! Communication is the key to a functioning mutually beneficial relationship. Being the submissive does not take away your responsibility for actively communicating with your partner!
Abnegation – the denial of the self is not submission. You do not step away from the entirety of yourself because you are submissive.
Once again this is just meant as another piece of what this is. Submissive/submission means many things to many people & one post on one person’s website is not enough space to explore the diversity of experience and opinion.
I see the idea of submissive; in the context of a healthy mutually beneficial D/s relationship as a positive. It allows the submissive woman (or man) a starting point to explore their sexuality and sexual desires in a way that fulfils them.