Like Anastasia.

When I first stepped into the world of feminism; from what was a very antifeminist stance, I was stunned by the sense of community that I had entered. Women who were not only encouraged to find their own tribe and their own voice, but who had a responsibility to listen to those who, for so many reason, experienced the world in a way they never would. To form; from near or far, a deep sense of solidarity with each other no matter how different our, inequitable, oppressive experience of the world were. We had each other’s back and made decisions, especially in regards to the words we chose to speak about each other, that would let others know we’ve got this.

Of course this utopian nirvana I thought I had found has lost its shine over the last decade. Feminism is imperfect, complicated, diverse and sometimes down and out infuriating. But it is, and will always be, the one choice I will always make. To not only be a feminist but to deliberately use my space in this world to smash the status quo. 

But, to me, the almost universal premise that brings feminism from the world of theory and academia and into the ways that women, right here right now, make and experience their bodies in this patriarchal world is the curiosity and respect for each other’s voice. And right at the heart of this idea (or is that ideal) is that no other person, feminist or not, is not in any position to tell women what they should or shouldn’t do. While this new vouge feminism centred in choice is deeply problematic; choice, not just the ability but the permission to, engage or disengage with the world in informed ways, has to mean something.

One of the things I’m learning about being a submissive woman, is that I now exist in this cultural paradox. Within BDSM, when a woman tells her story and she says that her experiences of submission are negative, that she has been harmed. That she is living with trauma. She is called a liar. She is shamed. She is blamed. Outside of BDSM, when a woman tells her story and she says that her experiences of submission are positive, that she feels safe, that she is experiencing pleasure. She is called a liar. She is shamed. She is blamed.

It doesn’t matter what we are saying; our voice is ignored, ridiculed and rejected.

I’m not arrogant enough to tell women what they should be doing. So it was no surprise that Caitlin Roper’s latest account of her angst surrounding the newest Fifty Shades release was something that I was going to find hard to read. To me it is deeply paternalistic, her words and those like her are founded in the genuine belief that they know what is best. Rejecting the experiences of women who genuinely enjoy the franchise and intentionally subjugating the dozens if not hundreds of reasons why they are going to see the movie.

So when I see women like Caitlin Roper jumping from the clichéd volley of platitudes usually directed at the franchise (I’m surprised that the condescending mummy porn portrayal wasn’t front and centre in her piece) into the position that tells the readers of the Sydney Morning Herald that “these are the services where women like Anastasia end up” I have to stop and really think hard about what the overall intention of this piece was.

Did Caitlin want to add something to the numerous conversations about the structural and cultural barriers to women freely engaging with frontline services? Was she writing this because she has a genuine concern for women “like Anastasia” and a desire to make sure that we too have access to relevant interventions and services?

Call me sceptical, but I’m going to say it’s a sure bet that neither of these were part of the reason why she wrote this piece. Nor why the Sydney Morning Herald chose to take it to publication.

Because the reality is that women like Caitlin Roper have little to no concern about women like me. The women that they choose to cast as presumptive victims while choosing to ignore our voices and our stories. Women like me, who are safe in our intimate spaces even though the behaviours, language, attitudes and community commonly associated with BDSM and dominance and submission are at the core of our relationships. While people will jump to read the narratives of our sexploits when it is all about the whips and chains and orgasms; it’s getting harder and harder to get others to actually take the time to sit down, shut up and listen to us. Well they have no reason to right?

For all of the pieces about “women like Anastasia” I have not yet encountered one which actively seeks out what we need in frontline services; especially with regard to mental health care. And from the hour or so of searching on the website of those organisations behind this campaign, I can safely assume that not one of them has any dedicated service or counsellor informed about or directed to meeting the needs of submissive women.

But beyond “these services” that she has so carefully promoted in her piece not actually being services that would be responsive to who I am and what I would need if in fact I did ever need to access their services; I want to question the dominant narrative of her piece.

There are lots of things wrong with the character of Christian Grey. He is materialistic and status driven. He believes that his philanthropic endeavours account for the business choices he makes. He has acquired so many unhealthy and dysfunctional approaches to and behaviours within both his relationships with women and in his sex life (it’s interesting that, of all the pieces written about his behaviours not one piece has tried to explore the correlation between child abuse and the attachment disorder that Christian so clearly has). He has unresolved trauma. And most importantly connected to BDSM his sexual identity has stalled in its infancy stage, the only way he can feel safe engaging with sex in a mutually satisfying way is my having a signed piece of paper kept in the bedside table; or wherever a billionaire would keep his important documents. Christian Grey also embodies a lot of the fragile yet toxic masculinity that has created the realm of the pickup artist; and, unfortunately, has begun to infect BDSM. It’s egocentric, entitled and dangerous for women, because, amongst other problems it schedules women as passive in their own bodies and as characters that men create through their own sexual prowess. So I am not defending the character that is Christian Grey. And let’s be honest he and the world that he commands is one walking, talking product placement.

Christian is not the absolute everything of FSOG. And while he clearly exhibits problematic behaviours he is a fictional character that is a cluster of everything unlikable and unacceptable. And women are allowed to like him.

And this, as far as I’m concerned, brings to a head the idea that the franchise is glamourising intimate partner violence.

Finding something alluring about a fictional character; even one as dysfunctional as Christian Grey. Finding points of reference in fiction that you connect to, that resemble the story of your own sexual realities. Does not, in anyway, negate the way you perceive intimate partner violence! And to consider the audience of Fifty Shades Darker as ignorant about the realities of intimate partner violence., is quite arrogant!

And that is just not how I choose to approach the millions of women, throughout the world who have gone and will go and see Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. I see them, as I see myself as women entitled to make their own decisions regarding how they spend their disposable incomes. But more than that, I am not so isolated from the community of women who either enjoy the Fifty Shades franchise or who choose to bring behaviours commonly associated with dominance and submission into their erotic space, to see these women as ignorant about the realities of intimate partner violence. We see the same news headlines as you. We read the same reports that tell us the attitudes regarding women, violence and sexual behaviours is repulsive. We know that intimate partner violence kills at least 1 woman a week in Australia and costs our economy billions of dollars in lost wages, first responders, health care and our legal system We see the same shallow and pathetic attempts at awareness, band aid solutions, funding cuts and inadequate structural and institutional action as every other woman. We see the casual and often inadequate ways that the media engage with the complexity of gendered violence. We understand that domestic and family violence has, over generations, has been relegated to behind closed doors, assigned to the too hard or not our problem basket. We may enjoy a movie that some see as problematic, be we, as individuals and a collective group of women are neither the cause of intimate partner violence not blatantly ignorant of it.

I think that there is a lot wrong with infantilising women’s consumer choices. The women who are seeing this movie found something interesting to see; and dare I say it something that turned them on. I know I did! And I will unapologetically, defend the right for a woman to watch a movie and, when well informed by complete understanding, motivated by mutual satisfaction and framed by affirmative consent, defend the choice to be “like Anastasia” in her boudoir. 

So while I have to agree with her proposition that we (although I have no doubt that her “we” does not include women like myself) need to begin to really interrogate the way that intimate partner violence is discussed and represented I will not be actively supporting anything that intentionally creates and us and them divide. As a woman “like Anastasia” I will let other women just like her make their own choices about what they watch at the cinema and how they come to understand what intimate partner violence is.

And if that contribution to creating a better understanding of women’s experiences of intimate partner violence involves actively boycotting one book/movie franchise than, by all means, actively boycott Fifty Shades Darker; and in a years’ time when Fifty Shades Freed is released, make the same choice. But the choice to watch the movie is no more or less a choice.

But please, understand the services and the political/social ideology that you are really supporting. Spend 5 minutes Googling the individuals and organisations behind it and where exactly your money will go. Because, as a feminist, I unequivocally stand behind the idea that it is only through education; both as a social institution and self-driven, that women will be able to make the best choices for themselves.

I’m not asking you to change your opinions about the FSOG franchise; love it, hate it, it’s your decision. But what I am asking of you is that, before advocating for a particular campaign or position, you choose to understand the realities of those women “like Anastasia”. The women like me, like dozens of friends of mine – women and men alike. To stop and listen to our voices and our stories.

Being able to write and to write well is a privilege. Being given a public platform is an entitlement. Those who are gifted this public space are entitled to their own words and their own agendas. But doesn’t someone with this privilege have a responsibility to, at least consider, their potential audience? The Sydney Morning Herald is not some niche blog or sub forum. It is a mainstream media platform, and one that has a diverse audience; an audience that includes women “like Anastasia”.

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Pleasure and not practice.

There seems to be a growing trend, or maybe I’ve just not noticed it before, which revolves around the idea of sex being something that needs to be practiced. It’s like there is this objective goal – squirting, multiple orgasm, larger toys, longer penetration, in which the sole focus of our sexual experiences revolve around perfecting their objectives.

While I’m all for goal setting and navigating our relationships in particular directions. I’m finding it really hard to get my head around this idea of practicing. We practice the piano. We practice baking macarons. We practice parallel parking. We just don’t need to practice sex. Gaining a better understanding of our bodies and those of our partners and figuring out what comes next for us in the bedroom, is one thing. But using our erotic spaces; masturbation or sex, as a space within which we practice until we obtain an imagined sexual perfection – I can’t wrap my head around the idea. Or where the motivation for this come from.

Sex is not an experience measured in results. Now, I’m sorry if this dints some male ego (okay not really sorry). Sex is, well should be, about us creating physical intimacy that allows us to form connection and explore sensations and pleasure. PLEASURE NOT BLOODY PRACTICE!

What exactly are we supposed to be practicing? And where are women getting their ideas of what to practice? I’m asking because I had an interestingly frustrating conversation with a couple of women who, while telling me that practice is necessary, became, seemingly mortified when I suggested that they grab a printout of what a vagina looks like, a mirror, and for them to start exploring their own bodies. How is it uncomfortable for a woman to explore her own body but it’s assumed normal to use your body to practice until sexually perfect?

And what happens when this perfect doesn’t eventuate? What happens to her self-esteem and her confidence in herself as a capable sexual being? What happens when a woman practices and practices – let’s say masturbating so that she can squirt, and this never happens? Where does she take her body next, if she has failed? If her body just can’t do it.

There is a lot about the common narratives weaved about the female body and sex that needs to be changed. Positioning the male body as the sexual normal and seeing the female body as deviating from that norm, has to be number one. But maybe number two has to be destroying this idea that perfection, be it some sexual behaviour or body experience, as being the reason we have sex or masturbate.

Why can women not fuck for pleasure! Why must our cultural obsession with perfection and achieving the next best thing infest our sex lives? Is this what sexual liberation for us really is? Practicing sex until our bodies perform on command, recite the perfected recital to the applause of our sexual partners?

 

I’ve got a kinky teenager … & you sir can stay the fuck away from her!!

My kid is fucking amazing! She is the most creative, passionate, empathetic, emotionally intelligent, beautiful teenager you will ever come across (yeah, yeah mother bias). And she is kinky!

Well her assumptions about sex certainly fit into the realm of kink – trust me I’ve seen the porn she watches and seen the Fanfic she reads! She has asked every question you can imagine – “what are safe words?”, “why do people get tied up?”, “how do you know that something is okay when it looks like it’s hurting?” “how would I know I’m doing something okay?”, how would I be able to say no?” “why does some pain feel good?” You name it we’ve talked about it!

(Keep in mind I’m writing this as a parent of a teenage girl, navigating the world of sexual literacy from a very feminist orientated position)

My approach to sex with her has been simple: I know she’s going to have sex, lots of it, good and bad. And as her mother it is my “job” to give her everything I can in order to, when the time comes, empower her to make the best decisions for her!

See, I’ve taught sex education to 15 to 18 year olds. It was my second job out of college. I was thrown into the deep in, Independent religious and private Christian schools, with know-it-all monsters who thought the world ended at their school yard fence! I had to explain, within the boundaries of “abstinence” focused education how the hell the human species fucked! It’s no wonder I lasted less than a year before I was moved into another position!

So when I read another Fet users post questioning how we “fit” exploring teenagers into BDSM I managed to get a third of the way through the replies before I was seeing red!

If you think “teaching” kink to teenagers is something that the “community” should get involved in – step away from the children! You’ve missed the point completely about how to engage teenagers with sex in a healthy, constructive way that enables them to make the best decisions for them!

A teenagers brain is A full of all these new feel good, make me horny chemicals and B so far underdeveloped that they cannot possibly ascertain the realities and consequences of their choices!

You & I have a very adult perception of the world build from real life experiences. We can see, feel, taste, hear and smell the world as it is for us because we’ve had enough experiences to understand the context of what it is we are encountering. Teenagers, even the most mature ones, do not have this lived experience. And it is because of this that adults, no matter how well-meaning your intention may be, have to stay away from teenagers! We cannot and do not experience the world in the way that they do. We cannot possibly create empathetic, authentic and safe spaces for these teenagers to experience the world as they need to. And the reality is they need to construct their own version of kink – however that eventuates, in order to construct the relevant knowledge base about themselves in order to make informed decisions about who they are, where they are going to position themselves in the wider social sexual landscape and how they are going to formulate the structure of their affectional and sexual relationships today, tomorrow and into their sexual experiences through their life span.

Our teenagers are information saturated, and yet they are, for the most part, digitally illiterate. We just do not teach our kids (especially our girls) how to navigate internet resources; heck I didn’t even learn how to do it until I began university! The internet, for all intents and purposes, is one big advertisement; a one stop shop of domains to sell us the way that we are meant to be. Once it was the creative genius of Coke-a-cola Amital who persuaded us that our identity was connected to the product we drank. Now it’s Facebook, Youtube and Google that are convincing us of who we are. We are not taught how to navigate the myriad of crap that constitutes information and advice. If we, as adults, find it difficult to navigate the web without being drawn into charlatans. Snake oil salesmen and down and out crackpots how do you expect kids to do it! They may have the information (can we please stop referring to Wikipedia as a value source) but do they know what to do with it? Nope!

“Adults need to provide information”. No! Just because you’ve reached a point in your life where the law considers you “an adult” does not mean you have automatically earned to right to do anything! And you certainly do not have the right to go anywhere near my daughter to tell her a damn thing about sex or kink! SSC, RACK, consent, safe words – for crying out loud! We can’t even come to a consensus about what these actually mean (meaning is not definition) but you think you can provide this as “information” to the next generation?

What we can do is VALIDATE and NORMALISE these teenager’s desires. We can acknowledge that, for some, intense sensation and structured relationships are normal. We can validate that there are genuine feelings of arousal when we encounter certain images or thoughts. But that is it!

We do not, ever, apply adult concepts into teenager’s stories. The stories they are telling us, the way that they are expressing their curiosity and arousal must be created by them. We cannot put our language into their stories because our language, often, has very different context for us than it does for them!

Sex, for the most part, is entirely abstract. Most teenagers start to explore their sexuality – their conceptualisation and performative narratives, well before their clothes come off! They may have very legitimate desires to experience rope or pain while they are tucked safely in their beds with their pyjamas on, but in real lived, highly sexual experiences with another person, maybe not so enthusiastic.

That is not to say our girls are fragile little flowers that need protecting! Take your paternalistic bull shit and shove it where the sun don’t shine! I don’t want to discount what I saw as very real concerns with positive intentions. But lets get honest here! Adults, for generations, have been hand ringing about what the youngers’ of the species are up to in the sack. It’s not new, it’s not going to stop and we are just the next lot of old farts creating the next lot of “won’t someone please think about the children”. Again, I accept that the intention was well meaning, but that doesn’t change the fact that adults telling kids how to fuck is so ingrained into us that we aren’t actually doing anything radical!

Our kids know what they are doing – they are just doing it their own way! My daughter and the teenagers like her do not need you to come in and “save” them. To protect them and to guide their sexual discoveries! Think back to when you were a teenager for a second. Would you have want adults your parents and grandparents age (my kids grandparents are only in their 50’s, so yes, we are talking their grandparents generation) doing what you’ve said you want to do? I’m guessing not!

How about this.

We clean up what constitutes kink, get rid of all the messed up adults who use kink as a cover for anti-social behaviour, misogynistic attitudes, fear of genuine intimacy, vile intentions and unhealthy sexual performances. How about we (those of us who are genuinely kinky) take back the idea and recreate it into something that is a legitimate representation of who we are.

That way, when sex, however that eventually manifests for my daughter & those teenage girls like her, becomes something which they begin to experience, when she has to start making decisions regarding how she is going to formulate her relationships, she wont have to navigate the same fucked up shit that we did?

You want to create a kink for teenagers? Try fixing your own adult world first!

 

 

Feminism and Submission

There is one question I am constantly aware of that seems to be the holy grail of women, submission and feminism. It’s the question that asks

 How can you be submissive and a feminist?

Or the dozen variations of it.

It’s something that really confuses me in so many ways. What is it exactly that people (inside and outside of kink) think feminism is; more importantly what to people think submission is?

Feminism for me is all about understanding that we (as a global society) value what we assume is masculine over what we assume is feminine. We value a doctor over a nurse so we pay them more. We value a CEO over a housewife so the CEO is what we should want to be. We value strength and end results over endurance and processes so the summer block buster will be about destroying wrong to save the world over a story of love and perseverance. We value penetrating over penetration (sexual) which is why gay men are seen as something other than a real man. We value success over contentment and physical strength over emotional.

Feminism allows me to see that the world is just plain fucked up! Because I was born with a vagina and identify as a woman (therefore am feminine) I am somehow limited in my value as a citizen. Because I am a woman my clothing indicates to strangers what I am asking for, the amount of alcohol (even though alcohol is legal and is used in just about every social event from birth to death) also communicates something about my sexual wants and/or value; rather than my ability to articulate exactly what it is I see sex as. Because I am a woman when I talk about rape I must be doing so in order to emasculate or lock up innocent men and therefor am denied a space political or social whereby I can talk about rape how I need to. Because I am a woman I need specific laws as to how and when I can access legitimate medical procedures. Because I am a woman my need to feel good is commodified and controlled by the multibillion dollar beauty industry.

Because I am a woman I have been socialised from the day I was born to think and act like a woman should. I’ve been taught constantly that I should compare myself to others and always despair when I notice difference. Others of my gender are more often than not used by pop culture as an ornament to the real product needing to be sold and so I should see myself as an addition to something else. I have been taught that being opinionated makes me less ‘fuckable’ (yes I’ve had this said to me) and that being bossy makes me a bitch. I’ve been taught that emotions and grievances are to be hidden because ‘drama queen’

I have been told my whole life that everything must be a “choice” in order to validate something else rather than just be okay with who I am regardless of what other people are doing. I am not allowed expectations as a woman because that is asking too much of the world; I can’t expect to go out at night because there are bad men who will rape me, I can’t expect to have my role of a mother in my children’s lives validated because that lessens my value as labour. I can’t expect to not walk down the street without being cat called because men will be men.

I have been constantly told that there is a hierarchy of women – the ones you fuck and the ones you take home to meet your mother; and I must choose which one I want to present myself as.

I can’t expect that the men I love in my life will have the cultural permission necessary to ask for help when they are not okay. I can’t expect men to be just men; they have to be gay OR straight, alpha OR beta. I can’t expect anything other than my husband being seen as babysitting our child when he is spending any time with her. I can’t expect him to be seen as anything other than the provider to our family even though his ability and need to nurture and care for can exceed mine at times, I can’t expect the men in my life to be seen as anything other than a potential threat to women because that is the way that mainstream media portray then; either that or totally imbecilic when it comes to women, unable to function in any relationship that involves a woman.

I can’t expect to own my sexuality or the way I need to have sex in order to feel satisfied because I am just a woman & have no idea how to have real sex without a man telling me I’m doing it wrong.

That is where MY feminism (well not all of it but a big chunk of it anyway) comes from; what it allows me to realise about the world and I cannot for the life of me understand why “submission” would ever stop me from being able to see that side of the world – or how it could stop me from seeing the awesomeness that is in the world for that matter!

If we accept (as I do) that d/s is just an interplay of needs within an intimate relationship; a different way of forming and maintain healthy functioning intimate relationships; than we have to accept that submission would not limit or force someone to stop seeing the way the world works.

How exactly does being in a relationship dynamic inhibit someone from being anything that they really are? If the dominance and submission (whatever that ends up looking like within a given relationship) that you create within your relationship is nothing more than an authentic expression of identity and of the way you see what sex/physical intimacy is, than why would it limit you in any other part of your life?

Can you not sign a petition if you wear a collar?

Can you not educate yourself about the lived experiences of women throughout the world if you wear a collar?

Can you not attend a protest, make a submission to an enquiry, add to discussion on social media or write a letter to the editor if you wear a collar?

Can you not lobby your government about issues that affect you or you feel passionate about if you wear a collar?

Can you not pull someone up who is being inappropriate and let them know it’s not okay if you wear a collar?

Can you not set boundaries around what is and isn’t okay for you and enforce those if you wear a collar?

Usually when the submission and feminism ‘thing’ comes up there are two main points of argument put forward in order to, somehow, prove that being submissive is not the opposite of being a feminist. The first is that engaging with submission is a choice and the second is that there are submissive is not limited to woman. I want to (briefly) eliminate these from the discussion entirely – well try to anyway!

For the sake of simplicity here (I’m halfway through writing a more detailed piece on this position) dominance is masculine submission is feminine; if you were to sit and think of what you would consider to be masculine and feminine cultural assumptions you would be able to connect most of them to what we are lead to believe are the must have traits and must do actions of a dominant and submissive.

The gender of the person assuming that dominant/masculine space is, in my opinion, irrelevant to what that space is; as is the gender of the person assuming the submissive/feminine space. The space itself doesn’t change depending upon the assigned sex or gendered identification of either partner. Just because women (in same sex or hetro relationships) are permitted to take on that dominant role doesn’t change anything. Likewise men (in same sex or hetero relationships) are permitted to take on that submissive role doesn’t change a thing when it comes to questioning how submission fits with feminism.

The fact that men can and so assume the submissive role within their intimate relationships doesn’t justify or deny the validity of submissive women in anyway; in fact using the  actions of men to justify those of women cannot be really seen as ‘feminist’ can it? Likewise women assuming the dominant space of their intimate relationships doesn’t validate those of women assuming the submissive space.

As for submission being a choice I’m going to take a personal position here:

I can see why ‘submission as a choice’ is an empowering position for some women. It isn’t for me. Submission is not a “choice’.

In order for something to be an authentic choice there needs to be more than one option. Each option has to be obtainable and of similar value. My relationship satisfies me beyond what a relationship void of elements of d/s could; it is a need not a choice. There is no longer another valid option for me in order to be satisfied within an intimate relationship. While choosing to marry and choosing to stay within the boundaries of my relationship are choices my identifying with submission in the way that I do is not. It is not a matter of d/s being a better option or something I have chosen over something else; it is just how I need to feel in order to feel satisfaction within my intimate relationship; it’s just difference. It just is what it is, a different way of relating to someone within an intimate relationship. If, for me, it was a choice it would be choosing between satisfaction and dissatisfaction and most people (with a healthy sense of self) would not actively choose something that leaves them dissatisfied.

For me, and again this is just my one little view of what this thing that we do is, these arguments are a means of justification; a way of asking for external validation. If (again as I do) we take submission as being just difference than what do we have to actually justify. If we take d/s as just difference, again, there is nothing left to justify; healthy functioning relationships are acceptable, normal even.

And if my relationship & the space I have within it is just normal and healthy than there is absolutely nothing about it that could limit my ability to connect and actively engage with feminism in any way.

After all why would I have brought something into my life in the first place if it, in anyway, limited who I am as a whole woman? That wouldn’t be healthy!!

Is there something wrong with erotic fiction or is it just me?

I love to read. It’s my favourite ‘me time’ thing to do. I read all sorts & yes I even love erotica. Well I did but now I’m just not to sure.

I am really struggling to find any fiction where I actually want to finish the book! I have my favourite authors who I devour religiously but I find myself limited in choice. Now I’m no Pulitzer Prize winner or anything but there seems to be a growing laziness amongst erotic authors where this same old same old is being recycled ad nauseam. The female protagonist is always devoid of something in her life that can only ever be filled by sex, a man or a man who thinks he knows everything about sex. I know these are fantasy, written porn and the audience is women but why are authors continually writing women characters that are all the same?

I’ve come up with a list of what I’m calling the same old same old. The character traits or storylines that are somehow always in the story;

Women submissive characters are so void of agency or desire that they are seen as blow up dolls with a heartbeat; unless of course they are the dumpee than the emotional overdrive is there! These women are written with no outside need other than sex; but a very narrow view of what sex should be for a kinky woman. They are always in positions of power but are dissatisfied and able to leave everything behind for the right man.

These women never get it wrong! They never fuck the wrong man – unless he is ‘vanilla’ and then they are always wrong. They are never dissatisfied with sex (only with the rest of their lives),they always have the perfect orgasm; even when they are unsure of what it is they really want or what the heck he is doing to her.

Like I said I know it’s written porn but do we have to just, well, reproduce what porn is already doing & call it erotica?

The man is always one of two things; bitter and not wanting a relationship – just his dick wet or he is wanting a relationship because he will inherit his family fortune. Men are characterised as emotionally impotent and this is okay because he has a big dick! They never seem to laugh, or have morning breath & no matter how rushed for time they are they can always have sex in the shower & never be late!

The HEA always involves the orgasm. If he gives her an orgasm than she is happy; why I can’t be that easily satisfied I will never know!

These women can not control themselves when a hot stud walks into the room. She becomes a pile of quivering sexual need that can only be overcome by the penis. I mean there isn’t a ‘how’s the weather’ mundane type conversation between them!

All women like to be humiliated or find kinky sex humiliating. In fact anything that is sexual in nature is humiliating, never mind their mind blowing orgasms it’s just not what a good girl does!
Speaking of good girls; women are naughty! They are uncontrollable creatures who must be put in their place and punished; as decided by the man who made her the afore mentioned pile of quivering mess. Did someone forget to tell there authors that good girls get fucked too?

Sexual repression or being raised without a clue about sex (cause lets face it Google doesn’t exist right?) is normal. I mean no woman knows what real sex is till Mr McDommly Dom fucks her ass for the first time!

Women who want something a little more kinky must leave every ounce of common sense on the door step, must blindly enter and must never question what they see inside, never, not for a second because it’s well kink!

Men take what they want; always and with no regret. Woman take what is given to them and forget to regret.

Okay so I may be a little sarcastic in my observations here but there is something really wrong with the direction that erotica is taking. For me I need to connect with the characters or the story in some way. I want to put myself in her shoes (or restraints) and allow myself to be her. I want fiction that has a little bit of real life & a hell of a lot of fantasy! I want to see myself and all my humanness in the character!

I want to read something where the story doesn’t create a space for a woman; rather I want a story created around a woman & her clitoris. I want her & her sexuality & dare I say it her need for sex to be something that the story revolves around.

A woman who is not in need of rescuing, sure the millionaire would be great but could his money be a subplot & not the whole story?

A woman where the something bad inspires her to find her good – not find a man to give her the good. I want a story where the relationship helps her find herself rather than the relationship creating her.

A woman who is not coerced into kink but finds it of her own free will.

A woman who likes sex. Really really likes it!

A woman who does not give up her life for sex, or a man who gives her sex.

A woman who can say NO & YES.

A woman who isn’t hiding from a past.

A woman who is in a relationship because she wants to be not because she has no other choice.

A woman who does not play nurse/mother/therapist to a man who has some dark ‘kept in the closet’ past.

A woman who finds a man who sees her as a woman and creates the sub around her. I’m sorry I don’t care how many years at D-type university you did you cannot walk into a room & just tell she is going to make the perfect sub for you.

A woman who is a sub/slave because she chooses to be and not because some man sees something in her that she doesn’t even know existed before his magic penis came along.

I want a story that has awesome sex that; isn’t set in some far off plant, has non human characters, set in a parallel universe or involves some other form on not in the here & now!

I want a story where physical attention (be that sex, impact play or other kinky fuckery) is with because it’s fun & what they both want rather than because she is ‘naughty’ or ‘deserves’ a spanking because she has done something wrong. I want lazy Saturday morning wake up kinky fuckery!

I want a story that doesn’t have billionaires or cowboys. I don’t have anything against billionaires and cowboys I’d just like a little more variety in the man I’m reading!

So many women are entering the real world of kink through fiction. We know because the research tells us that more women discover this because of external influence; including something they have read. It’s always happened and there has always been really shitty books written. But these books are allowing women to form the wrong ideas about how sex works and what kink is. Fiction, be it written (books) or visual (TV/movies) will always influence our lived realities. We are not passive consumers of media. We take the images & representations that we see and use those to create, guide, influence or challenge the real world around us; it’s why advertising works. It creates a reality that we want and so we make choices based on what we have just experienced in the fiction.

But this type of fiction is void of so much, dare I say reality within the fantasy, that women are left wondering what they are doing wrong when the dom of their dreams isn’t giving them the last chapter of the book they just read.

Beyond that I’m just plain bored with it!! I want to read – because if I don’t then I find housework to do & that is not okay!!

Please for the love of women who want fucked up sex everywhere will someone write a good story??