When I took my first slow and cautious steps into, what really was for me a whole new world of, submission I found a lot of comfort and community in the blogs of other women. I spent hours reading through the stories women had written about their own discoveries and “ah-ha” moments, and even more listening to them speak of the lessons that they have learned along their own path. For as much as I wanted to read the good and the great I needed to hear the bad and the cautionary tales even more.
My path in to submission and my experience of it now will not look anything like your own. But that’s okay! What we need to bring into our lives to make us feel safe, accepted and satisfied are just the nuts and bolts of who we are as women. So while I can’t offer you a “how to” guide or the tips and tricks to hack your way into a new found you; I can offer you something where you can find a connection with someone like you; even if that like you is only in the word submissive.
There are a lot of words written online about submission. A word of warning; stop and think and then rethink again, every word that you read. And yes, I’m attaching this warning to my own words too! The internet is a fantastic place to learn more about yourself, but it is also a place that affords a lot of people the permission they need to be predatory and behave in ways that they otherwise wouldn’t. And for all of the talk about kink being something more liberated and mature; the bastards you deal with out there, they all exist in here too. So take a breath. If it feels wrong, stop, listen to that gut feeling. And figure out what the next best step you need to take is . And if it feels too good to be true, like you’ve just been swept up into some fairy tale world of your dreams, I’d say you’ve stumbled across someone who will only take you for a ride.
You don’t need to change anything about who you are in order to find success in this. By all means use submission to explore yourself, your body and to form or reinvigorate, your relationships. But the one thing I wish I had read early on is this.
I am enough!
I don’t need too look like, feel like, be like or fuck like anyone else to be the submissive that I am meant to be.
I spent about two years comparing myself to everything I encountered and living within this deep despair and shame of “I’m not good enough”. It really affected the way I approached submission and the way I formed my relationships. Please, don’t do what I did, and what I know so many of my friends did! You really are enough. Right here. Right now. As you are reading this. Where ever you are is right where you’re meant to be. By all means find and explore new sensations and experiences. But don’t let what you are, or what you aren’t doing challenge and harm the way you feel about yourself as a submissive woman. And more importantly, who you are as a whole woman.
You are going to make mistakes. I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you. But adding submission to the way to approach relationships and have sex really, really doesn’t change the reality of relationships and/or sex. They are messy and confusing. You don’t know all of the answers and you certainly don’t know everything you need to in order to always make the best decisions about you and your body. But that’s why you take everything as an opportunity to learn and grow. And if you ever get to that point where the lesson you’re learning are telling you that this isn’t the right thing for you; either right now or for ever, then make the decision to find another sexual path to walk.
We talk a lot about safe in this world. And there is reason for that. Some of the things some people do can cause some pretty nasty, unintended consequences. But safe isn’t just about making sure you don’t end up in the emergency room having to tell the Doctor on duty your horror sex story! Safe is a feeling. It’s a message from your environment and from your body telling you that you’re okay. That you have everything that you need in order to make the decision that your about to make. As much as it’s about proper technique, safety sheers and a first aid kit, it’s also about giving yourself a safe and functioning healthy space – be that a relationship or a public play space, from which you can be confident in your decision to explore this part of you. Like I said if it feels wrong, stop and figure out how to address what is going on within you.
And one final thing from me to you …