When I sat down to write this I thought I’d be able to sit at the computer Google a few words, get a meaning and just write. I mean, there are thousands of us who use the internet as their medium to write about sex; some of them had to come up with a genuine definition of the authentic sexual self right? But no. Although if someone can find something about living an authentic sexual self for the self I’d love to read it.
Realising this wasn’t going to be as easy as I first thought (I’m learning this lesson a lot lately) I decided to go to the master of authentic self Abraham Maslow.
“Whereas the average individuals “often have not the slightest idea of what they are, of what they want, of what their own opinions are,” self-actualizing individuals have “superior awareness of their own impulses, desires, opinions, and subjective reactions in general”
Maslow tells us that we are all capable of wanting more. That when our most human of needs are meet we are motivated to go after what it is that will satisfy us more. As with every psychological theory (theory being the why of human not the what is human) there are supporters and detractors. I can see both sides and as I continue my psychology education I can rationalise the strengths and weaknesses of Maslow’s hierarchy.
But the one thing I can both subjectively and objectively agree with is the theory that to be fully human rather than to exist as a human we need to allow ourselves to become in tune with our bodies. This is something that a lot of us will never be able to achieve; our social and culture realities and lived experiences will always deny us this space. But for some it is a possibility – maybe not a complete one; again we cannot distance ourselves from the culture we exist in.
Sexually; I see this as the end point of my sexuality. Sometimes I think I’m going to reach it & then my body tells me otherwise. Sometimes I feel that super awareness of my desires and then I realise there is more to it than I first thought. I have an evolving sexuality. It’s something that has high peaks and deep deep troughs. My sexuality is messy, confusing, confronting and sometimes I want to run from it. But it’s mine. It’s taken me 30 something years to get to where I am with my body and to a place where I am comfortable with using my body as a means of taking sexual pleasure. I became somewhat of an expert in using my body to give, but using it to take took me a little longer to master. I choose to use my body in a way that I know works for me. I’ve taken time to explore various sensations and responses to listen to my body and to adjust what I’m doing to give it what it needs. I trust my body to tell me when it’s had enough or when it needs more. I trust myself unconditionally and without hesitation.
Does this mean I don’t trust the man I am with? No. I respect and trust him. I respect and trust the empathetic, mutually respectful and satisfying erotic space we’ve created, that we use to satisfy ourselves and each other. I just trust myself too.
I’ve been doing a bit of reading lately; blogs and personal accounts written by women. These pieces centre around their sexuality and sexual performance, and while not wanting to dismiss their words and experiences entirely I am getting bored of them. There seems to be this dominant theme running through a great number of them whereby they were somehow incapable or unwilling to understand their reality as a sexual being until their knight in shining armour stepped into their picture. It was the other persona and not themselves who awoken this waiting inner “slut” in them. But someone who actually defines their sexual self as this inner slut often centres it as theirs/his (I mostly see this in hetero couples). It’s not hers it’s his. It is only through him and by aligning their sense of self with him that this inner slut can exist. Not thrive but merely exist.
I get the desire to satisfy your partner. It’s a unique experience to know that you hold the power and knowledge to bring about such intense, satisfying and wanted pleasure in another. But can one genuinely sustain their entire sexuality through abdicating everything about their body and desires to another? It is an authentic space to exist in when everything about it is about one out of the two persons involved? Is it safe when the only way you can be with and/or satisfy your partner is by removing everything about you?