Like Anastasia.

When I first stepped into the world of feminism; from what was a very antifeminist stance, I was stunned by the sense of community that I had entered. Women who were not only encouraged to find their own tribe and their own voice, but who had a responsibility to listen to those who, for so many reason, experienced the world in a way they never would. To form; from near or far, a deep sense of solidarity with each other no matter how different our, inequitable, oppressive experience of the world were. We had each other’s back and made decisions, especially in regards to the words we chose to speak about each other, that would let others know we’ve got this.

Of course this utopian nirvana I thought I had found has lost its shine over the last decade. Feminism is imperfect, complicated, diverse and sometimes down and out infuriating. But it is, and will always be, the one choice I will always make. To not only be a feminist but to deliberately use my space in this world to smash the status quo. 

But, to me, the almost universal premise that brings feminism from the world of theory and academia and into the ways that women, right here right now, make and experience their bodies in this patriarchal world is the curiosity and respect for each other’s voice. And right at the heart of this idea (or is that ideal) is that no other person, feminist or not, is not in any position to tell women what they should or shouldn’t do. While this new vouge feminism centred in choice is deeply problematic; choice, not just the ability but the permission to, engage or disengage with the world in informed ways, has to mean something.

One of the things I’m learning about being a submissive woman, is that I now exist in this cultural paradox. Within BDSM, when a woman tells her story and she says that her experiences of submission are negative, that she has been harmed. That she is living with trauma. She is called a liar. She is shamed. She is blamed. Outside of BDSM, when a woman tells her story and she says that her experiences of submission are positive, that she feels safe, that she is experiencing pleasure. She is called a liar. She is shamed. She is blamed.

It doesn’t matter what we are saying; our voice is ignored, ridiculed and rejected.

I’m not arrogant enough to tell women what they should be doing. So it was no surprise that Caitlin Roper’s latest account of her angst surrounding the newest Fifty Shades release was something that I was going to find hard to read. To me it is deeply paternalistic, her words and those like her are founded in the genuine belief that they know what is best. Rejecting the experiences of women who genuinely enjoy the franchise and intentionally subjugating the dozens if not hundreds of reasons why they are going to see the movie.

So when I see women like Caitlin Roper jumping from the clichéd volley of platitudes usually directed at the franchise (I’m surprised that the condescending mummy porn portrayal wasn’t front and centre in her piece) into the position that tells the readers of the Sydney Morning Herald that “these are the services where women like Anastasia end up” I have to stop and really think hard about what the overall intention of this piece was.

Did Caitlin want to add something to the numerous conversations about the structural and cultural barriers to women freely engaging with frontline services? Was she writing this because she has a genuine concern for women “like Anastasia” and a desire to make sure that we too have access to relevant interventions and services?

Call me sceptical, but I’m going to say it’s a sure bet that neither of these were part of the reason why she wrote this piece. Nor why the Sydney Morning Herald chose to take it to publication.

Because the reality is that women like Caitlin Roper have little to no concern about women like me. The women that they choose to cast as presumptive victims while choosing to ignore our voices and our stories. Women like me, who are safe in our intimate spaces even though the behaviours, language, attitudes and community commonly associated with BDSM and dominance and submission are at the core of our relationships. While people will jump to read the narratives of our sexploits when it is all about the whips and chains and orgasms; it’s getting harder and harder to get others to actually take the time to sit down, shut up and listen to us. Well they have no reason to right?

For all of the pieces about “women like Anastasia” I have not yet encountered one which actively seeks out what we need in frontline services; especially with regard to mental health care. And from the hour or so of searching on the website of those organisations behind this campaign, I can safely assume that not one of them has any dedicated service or counsellor informed about or directed to meeting the needs of submissive women.

But beyond “these services” that she has so carefully promoted in her piece not actually being services that would be responsive to who I am and what I would need if in fact I did ever need to access their services; I want to question the dominant narrative of her piece.

There are lots of things wrong with the character of Christian Grey. He is materialistic and status driven. He believes that his philanthropic endeavours account for the business choices he makes. He has acquired so many unhealthy and dysfunctional approaches to and behaviours within both his relationships with women and in his sex life (it’s interesting that, of all the pieces written about his behaviours not one piece has tried to explore the correlation between child abuse and the attachment disorder that Christian so clearly has). He has unresolved trauma. And most importantly connected to BDSM his sexual identity has stalled in its infancy stage, the only way he can feel safe engaging with sex in a mutually satisfying way is my having a signed piece of paper kept in the bedside table; or wherever a billionaire would keep his important documents. Christian Grey also embodies a lot of the fragile yet toxic masculinity that has created the realm of the pickup artist; and, unfortunately, has begun to infect BDSM. It’s egocentric, entitled and dangerous for women, because, amongst other problems it schedules women as passive in their own bodies and as characters that men create through their own sexual prowess. So I am not defending the character that is Christian Grey. And let’s be honest he and the world that he commands is one walking, talking product placement.

Christian is not the absolute everything of FSOG. And while he clearly exhibits problematic behaviours he is a fictional character that is a cluster of everything unlikable and unacceptable. And women are allowed to like him.

And this, as far as I’m concerned, brings to a head the idea that the franchise is glamourising intimate partner violence.

Finding something alluring about a fictional character; even one as dysfunctional as Christian Grey. Finding points of reference in fiction that you connect to, that resemble the story of your own sexual realities. Does not, in anyway, negate the way you perceive intimate partner violence! And to consider the audience of Fifty Shades Darker as ignorant about the realities of intimate partner violence., is quite arrogant!

And that is just not how I choose to approach the millions of women, throughout the world who have gone and will go and see Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed. I see them, as I see myself as women entitled to make their own decisions regarding how they spend their disposable incomes. But more than that, I am not so isolated from the community of women who either enjoy the Fifty Shades franchise or who choose to bring behaviours commonly associated with dominance and submission into their erotic space, to see these women as ignorant about the realities of intimate partner violence. We see the same news headlines as you. We read the same reports that tell us the attitudes regarding women, violence and sexual behaviours is repulsive. We know that intimate partner violence kills at least 1 woman a week in Australia and costs our economy billions of dollars in lost wages, first responders, health care and our legal system We see the same shallow and pathetic attempts at awareness, band aid solutions, funding cuts and inadequate structural and institutional action as every other woman. We see the casual and often inadequate ways that the media engage with the complexity of gendered violence. We understand that domestic and family violence has, over generations, has been relegated to behind closed doors, assigned to the too hard or not our problem basket. We may enjoy a movie that some see as problematic, be we, as individuals and a collective group of women are neither the cause of intimate partner violence not blatantly ignorant of it.

I think that there is a lot wrong with infantilising women’s consumer choices. The women who are seeing this movie found something interesting to see; and dare I say it something that turned them on. I know I did! And I will unapologetically, defend the right for a woman to watch a movie and, when well informed by complete understanding, motivated by mutual satisfaction and framed by affirmative consent, defend the choice to be “like Anastasia” in her boudoir. 

So while I have to agree with her proposition that we (although I have no doubt that her “we” does not include women like myself) need to begin to really interrogate the way that intimate partner violence is discussed and represented I will not be actively supporting anything that intentionally creates and us and them divide. As a woman “like Anastasia” I will let other women just like her make their own choices about what they watch at the cinema and how they come to understand what intimate partner violence is.

And if that contribution to creating a better understanding of women’s experiences of intimate partner violence involves actively boycotting one book/movie franchise than, by all means, actively boycott Fifty Shades Darker; and in a years’ time when Fifty Shades Freed is released, make the same choice. But the choice to watch the movie is no more or less a choice.

But please, understand the services and the political/social ideology that you are really supporting. Spend 5 minutes Googling the individuals and organisations behind it and where exactly your money will go. Because, as a feminist, I unequivocally stand behind the idea that it is only through education; both as a social institution and self-driven, that women will be able to make the best choices for themselves.

I’m not asking you to change your opinions about the FSOG franchise; love it, hate it, it’s your decision. But what I am asking of you is that, before advocating for a particular campaign or position, you choose to understand the realities of those women “like Anastasia”. The women like me, like dozens of friends of mine – women and men alike. To stop and listen to our voices and our stories.

Being able to write and to write well is a privilege. Being given a public platform is an entitlement. Those who are gifted this public space are entitled to their own words and their own agendas. But doesn’t someone with this privilege have a responsibility to, at least consider, their potential audience? The Sydney Morning Herald is not some niche blog or sub forum. It is a mainstream media platform, and one that has a diverse audience; an audience that includes women “like Anastasia”.

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I’m submissive and I say no.

There is this common trope within BDSM that, while worded in various ways, conveys the message that “no” is a down and out no-go for any submissive. That to be submissive – or obtain some kind of deeper level of submission, one must yield completely and without hesitation. And while for some this may express a genuine carte blanche statement for others, like myself it does not, in anyway represent me or my experiences of or need for submission. The word “no” nor the message it conveys to him has no power in our relationship. It is not something that is outlawed or rejected. It is, purely and simply a word. So I wanted to spend some time writing, what I guess you’d call the opposite statement and to show how the word no can become just another communication tool within a relationship.

But I want to make two points before I do.

First, keeping my ability to say no is a very personal and very political choice, that has nothing to do with him.

There are just under 50 countries throughout the world where a woman does not have the right not be raped by her husband.

20 countries do not have laws protecting women from domestic violence.

Dozens of women every year are murdered in an archaic attempt at restoring family honour.

1 in 6 women in my country will encounter some form of sexualised violence in her lifetime.

To me, giving up something that is so often rejected or just non-existent in so many women’s lives feels wrong. That’s not to say that other women are wrong when they make the choice to do so, it just means that for me, doing so would feel so wrong.

Second, let me make something very clear. Nothing, and I mean nothing, happens here that has not been asked for or agreed to. Our sex life, no matter how kinky, is absolutely something that is mutually beneficial and satisfying. I want this. Not is some obscure ‘she asked for it’ kind of way. But in a genuine, this relationship is sexually satisfying for me.

When I say no to him, there is something going on for me. Something that he didn’t notice or forgot about. Usually it is a response to uncertainty – I’m confused about what he is asking of me, or it is a reaction caused through fear. Not of him, but of the process or consequence of what he is planning on doing. Sometimes for me the only response I can give him is no. Anything else would be a lie and me lying to him, hiding the truth or ignoring the reactions going on within me is going to, eventually hurts me in a way that saying no doesn’t.

Because let me be completely honest here. Saying no to him hurts. I don’t want to say it. I want to surrender – that’s why I asked for a relationship founded in dominance and submission. That’s why I agreed to the way things are here. Sometimes no to him is an obvious reaction to what he is saying or doing. He may be my master but he is one heck of a human being, and sometimes he misses something that is relevant to his choice or he just doesn’t see what I do. Other times just saying those two little letters can be an excruciating experience for me. I go through this ridiculous inner negotiation with myself, where I will try and bargain with myself to try and get out of saying the word. Even though I know I need to say it. Even though I know I am going to say it and that saying it is the right things to do, I still try and get out of it. Why? No idea! I wish I could figure it out because that conversation I have with myself has, once or twice, lead me down that negative self-talk spiral and, as I’m sure some of you know, that never ends well.

No, here, is the beginning of a conversation, one that is more often than not a very long and ongoing one. Never once has no meant yes – and if anyone ever tries to tell you otherwise give them a miss. Getting me from a no to a yes is not manipulation or coercion. It is a process that we work through, together. He has an idea and it’s up to the both of us to get me, or us, to that place. Sometimes it’s a simple as him walking through things with me so I understand what it is exactly that he wants of me. Sometimes it’s been one step, stop, talk about my reaction or what I need to get to the next one. Other times it’s taken me several, sometimes very difficult conversations, to get me to even think about giving what he wants a try.

And sometimes the no remains a no. No matter how many steps forward and backwards we take, no matter how much we talk through things, no matter how much I might want to surrender; what he wants just doesn’t happen.

And that is okay.

No doesn’t have to be the end, as it is with us, it can be the beginning of something that, more often than not, turns into something amazing. But even when it doesn’t end that way, when whatever it is he wants is and stays a no, the fact that no is my response is still okay without justification.

 

 

 

#What is – safe word

Safe words. The always present catchphrase when kink is around.

But what is the safe word?

While most people with even the slightest understanding of BDSM would have heard of a safe word, many fail to understand the reality and relevance of how a safe word actually connects with their actions in the boudoir.

First, a safe word is just a word. While it’s called a safe word, in reality nothing about that word itself can keep you safe. It really is just a word. What keeps us safe is the message and the set of instructions that the word gives us.

It can be any word that communicates the same message. For some the use of an obscure word is necessary; this can range from an individual’s name to something quite unusual. And for others ‘stop’’ conveys the same information. The word you choose has to be something that works for you and the interactions you intend to be a part of.

A safe word in and of itself is useless until the meaning behind it is clearly agreed upon. It’s not enough to put forward a word and call it a safe word if there is nothing behind it. If the submissive/bottom is calling out ‘pineapple’ and the dominant/top has nothing to tell them what to do next the word is nothing more than a bunch of letters strung together being said.

A safe word communicates an instruction. Promptly and clearly to the other person. What that instruction is varies. For some it means the entirety of the interaction is over. For others it’s a ‘pause’ button, or a way of halting what is happening so the submissive/bottom can further communicate something that is going on for them – the need to change positions, a cramp, to catch your breath, lessen the intensity etc. Whatever the meaning is, the what that comes next after the word is said needs to be understood and agreed upon.

A safe word is just one of the ways to communicate with each other. It’s not the only tool in the kinky tool box. Some argue that a safe word is for both (all) participants, and while I can see merit in the idea I’m not going to put it forward here. Why? Because the makeup of the interactions that constitute kink creates the need for two very different communication requirements. While both (all) participants have the obligation to communicate the submissive/bottom often has elements of the play that creates a very unique set of obstacles to effective communication. Obstacles that can be situationally overcome through the use of a safe word. As I said it’s not the everything that some make it out to be, but when it’s used in a way that is realistic and used with the intention of communicating an agreed upon meaning; a safe word can be a positive tool within a healthy sex life.

In saying this I need to make something very clear. The safe word is the not the responsibility of the submissive/bottom alone. Let me say that again – THE SAFE WORD IS NOT THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE SUBMISSIVE/BOTTOM ALONE.

A submissive/bottom has the right to expect their safe word will be acted upon in the way that was agreed to.

While a safe word is a communication tool predominantly said by the submissive/bottom it is useless if it goes no further than being said. Communication is ALWAYS a two way street. What is said by one must be heard and acted upon by the other. We communicate in dozens of ways and this doesn’t stop when the kinky fun begins. Communication is the only way to great sex and satisfying kink. You cannot get to the great stuff without having the foundations present and maintained. A safe word is a part of this foundation that has to be present.

Now before I become the next ‘kink shamer’ or meeting point for those whom a safe word cannot be present in their world STOP. The safe word is an idea that allows us to convey and discuss a complex need, it a means of communication that is present in kink interactions. By all means tell me how you don’t need a safe word but please understand that I’m not interested! I find the argument a backdoor way to try to recreate what already is. When you deconstruct the argument of no safe word, what you are left with is an agreement that communication is essential and a part of all healthy, functioning relationships.

Check ins.

A check in is another way to use the idea of a safe word. Most often it’s a ‘traffic light’ system of colours: red, yellow and green. Again the meaning behind each word (or number, which is another system of check in) needs to be clearly communicated and agreed upon. It needs to be clearly understood what comes next after the word is said.

As a quick guide

RED– I need you to stop immediately. I have something that you need to know right now.

YELLOW– I need you to alter what you are doing. Stop so I can tell you what it is I need from you to keep this going.

GREEN– I am okay with everything that is occurring and I don’t have anything you need to know.

 Safe word when unable to verbalise a word.

Some elements of kink are used with the intention of removing the ability of the submissive/bottom to speak. It’s one of the obstacles that are present and need to be overcome. If you choose to put an obstacle in the way you need to put something in place to work around it if/when the need to communicate arises.

Again, this is something that must be decided upon before the bedroom door. If the intention is to remove the ability for the submissive/bottom to speak their safe word you need another way to communicate the meaning and instruction.

Some ideas –

Using an open/closed fist to communicate a stop/go message.

A bell or buzzer which the submissive/bottom can ring when they need to get the attention of their dominant/top.

Giving the submissive/bottom something to hold onto and drop when needed.

A tapping signal.

One thing that must be considered when implementing a non verbal safe word is the environment you are in. If you have loud music on or are in a public play space where there is significant background noise that could inhibit your ability to hear the bell or tapping you might want to consider something else. If you are going to give the submissive/bottom something to drop, make sure it’s something that is going to be obvious. A black scarf being dropped onto black flooring could be easily missed.

Safe words seem simplistic and are often presented as such. But they are a part of the complexity that is communication. We must acknowledge that having a safe word is not a magic word that protects us from harm. The best intentions may be present and honourable but if the integrity of what a safe word is – a means of communication, is violated the interaction can very quickly move from kink to abuse. Implementing a safe word that communicates a clearly understood and easy to understand and acted on message is the only way to make a safe word work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating d/s.

So many times I’ve read women asking how to do this d/s thing so I thought I’d write down a few of the things that I feel are important to know. I’m not going to include the mechanics of or how to personalise a d/s relationship and I’m not going to write a piece as a how to if you want to be considered submissive and seen as doing it right. Rather I’m going to write this with you (you the reader) in mind; the you that is a woman, a woman looking for a relationship.

 I’m going to use this to address some to the basics that I think are important to understand when first stepping out to explore kink; six really simple (to me) rules, a how to guide if you like. Things that I think should be considered when in those early phases of exploration and connection.

I had always thought there was something missing when I discovered all things kink, like there was some step that I missed when I applied for my visa into the world of strange things sexy. Then I started to realise that no matter what label I gave myself or how many letters I added to the sex I wanted it I had to bring everything that I knew about myself as a woman and dating to the kink equation.

First and foremost d/s is a relationship; the coming together of two (or more) people to create a healthy, manageable and functioning space. If you see d/s as anything other than this than these tips aren’t going to (probably) make any sense to you.
Rule 1

IF IT FEELS WRONG TO YOU

Then it is probably wrong for you!

There are a million different ways to do a billion different things but that doesn’t mean you have to do any of them. You don’t have to send naked pictures. You don’t have to call anyone anything if you don’t want to. You do not have to change the way you think of something, restrict your actions, make excuses for who you are, believe the first thing you read (including what you are reading right now) if it doesn’t feel right to you!

Maybe 99 girls out of 100 would do it no questions asked but that one who doesn’t isn’t doing anything wrong. All she is doing is what is right for her and you have to do what is right for you.

Setting boundaries is an adult thing to do. It is not a dominant thing nor does it make you less submissive. Saying upfront that something is not okay with you is okay. (See rule 5)

Rule2

IF YOU WOULDN’T THINK ABOUT DOING IT BEFORE…

Don’t do it now!

Would you let someone ignore you for three days and then come back pretending that everything was okay?
Would you let someone you were dating just stand you up with no communication at all and not ask him why?
Are you okay with not being able to ask questions when you believe the answers are important?
Is there a boundary that you believe should not be crossed when you are getting to know someone?
Is talking about sex in the first message okay with you?

All of the things that you needed and/or expected when you have dated in the past are still there. The context of your needs may have changed but you are the same person you have always been.

Rule3

HONESTY

This is a HUGE one for me. Being honest with yourself about what you are looking for is one of the most important things that we need to do.

Be honest about what you are expecting. Do you want a NSA casual sexual relationship or are you looking for a long term commitment. Do you want absolute monogamy or are you open to the idea of non-monogamy.

Be honest about your experiences and desires, your boundaries and your concerns.

Be honest about safe sex! If you cannot talk about doing it safe you shouldn’t be doing it!

Expect and demand that the person you are speaking with will do the same!

Rule 4

SEXUAL HEALTH &SAFETY

Keep yourself safe!

Your sexual health is your responsibility! STI’s and pregnancy happen to kinky people too! Even slaves have to go for their regular gyno exams. It is your responsibility to take your pill. It’s your responsibility to demand a condom. It’s your responsibility to get tested. No adult would ask you to endanger your physical health, or mental health for that matter!

Rule 5

CONSENT AND COMPATIBILITY

Consent is just so damn sexy don’t you think?

What we do is consensual. It’s all about two (or more) adults having mutually satisfying intimate and/or sexual relationships. Relationships that are NEGOTIATED. If anal is something that you can’t get your head around then say so. If you don’t want him/her to access your emails, control your money, tell you to do things to your body while you are at work, use punishments in the dynamic then bloody well say no & demand that your answer is accepted. Of course boundaries change but if what you want now is A then A is what you want

Make sure that you can clearly identify a point of consent. If you are unsure ASK.

Again if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it!

This also comes down to compatibility! You have to want the same (similar) things in order to create and maintain a functioning and fulfilling relationship. If the person you are getting to know loves anal and it is a limit for you then you may not be compatible with each other. The sub is not a fake because she doesn’t like anal penetration and the dom is not a predator because anal is his thing and wants it. Those two people are just not what each other needs!

There seems to be this idea that because A is a dom and B is a sub they are automatically meant to be. We are all unique individuals who like things differently in the bedroom. Some people are going to want us and others won’t. It’s not the end of the world and PLEASE please DO NOT compromise on things that are really important!

If you want a long term emotionally invested relationship then don’t settle for a NSA. It cannot satisfy you, it will not satisfy you.

If you are monogamous then you are monogamous and that dom who has 7 other subs is really not going to do it for you.

If you only want d/s in the bedroom then don’t feel you have to go 24/7.

There are an infinite number of ways to do d/s & have kinky sex so do it your way.

Rule 6.

ASK ASK ASK

Ask yourself and ask the other person everything that you can think of. If you are unsure of something ask. If the person you are talking to mentions something that he/she wants in a relationship and you are not 100% sure what they are meaning; ask them to clarify.

This includes reading! But reading with an open mind and an understanding that not everything you read is safe or right for you. If you are Googling anything to get a better understand of what something is then please don’t just take the first answer you find as gospel! Anyone can write anything and upload it. So please just use caution.

When you read something don’t take it as gospel; even if the author is marketed as some kind of expert or ‘community’ icon. Here’s the thing the author may have a great knowledge base about a particular topic but he/she knows absolutely nothing about you! How your body/mind works is going to be different to anyone else’s and so yes, Mr mcdomlyone may be an expert in whatever it is but his expertise are significantly limited when it comes to applying them to you.

Use common sense; sure there are those who argue that common sense isn’t so common anymore, but don’t step outside of the real world & who you are as a person when you start exploring all of this. It’s unrealistic to think that there is some alternative reality here.

Kink is still sex. It needs to be consensual and mutually satisfying. It needs to be healthy and it needs to be realistic. But most of all it needs to be what you really want, kink needs to give you something that will bring a positive to your life; be it purely physical interactions of S&M that give you physical release and/or satisfaction or a relationship that has D/S as it’s foundation. There is a spectrum of consensual kink that is really limited by your imagination and confidence to go get it but it has to be something that you want.

#What is – submissive

I’m going to start his by restating that this is not an exact science. For every piece you read about what something is you will find another that provides a counter opinion. This really just is one person’s understanding of what this is.

What is submissive?

Most people would start something like this off with some kind of dictionary definition; I’m not. I find that presenting a bunch of words from a book called a dictionary is too simplistic and cannot represent the diversity of experience.

What I’m going to say is this:

Submission is fundamentally all about the position you choose within a specific relationship. It is an idea that allows someone to express their sexual needs and identity is a constructive way that allows that identity to be validated and needs meet.

The idea of submission within the context of a dominant/submissive relationship can look like many things. So for ease of conversation submissive, slave, bottom, little, all of those labels that identify the submissive partner in a relationship are all tied up in this one word. The variation of expression is going to be explored in later posts.

Within this context submissive is the object, the dominant is the subject, and while the subject acts and the object is acted upon this is done in a way that provides both parties with a relationship that is fulfilling and engaging.

The way a submissive exists within any given relationship is unique. There is no one way to be the submissive partner. The way that a relationship looks; in terms of structure and everydayness, is totally up to those people in the relationship.

There are NO acts that are inherently submissive (or dominant for that matter) a woman who chooses this role does not have any obligation to satisfy anyone elses understanding of the word but her own and the person she is with.

The variety of relationship that a submissive can engage in is endless; some want marriage & kids others wants a onetime experience with someone who has a specific skill set. Some have rules and some don’t. Some have a dynamic that uses punishment others don’t. Some call their partner by a title and some don’t. The only limit to what can be is what those people in the relationship need.

Being submissive is an authentic experience. That is you are being true to who you are at all times rather than reproducing what others assume this to be. This includes reproducing what you may have seen in porn! Porn offers a very narrow representation of the submissive in a D/s relationship. One that is often void of agency & character.

Being submissive is a satisfying experience that allows you to explore your sexuality and sexual desires in relationships and through experiences that satisfy you.

Being submissive means that you have explored this idea and gained enough knowledge into what this can look like in order to create your own identity and experiences.
Being submissive is about taking a need and having that meet in a way that is both safe and consensual.

WHAT IT ISN’T

An excuse for dysfunction – if you are not in control than you cannot hand control to someone else. Submission will not fix anything that is not working!!

Co-dependency; constant and excessive emotional and psychological reliance on your partner is not healthy. D/s allows both the dominant and the submissive to have their needs meet, these needs balance each other out within the relationship.

The ability to set and maintain boundaries. We all have a limit as to the attitudes and behaviours that we will accept and being submissive does not change this. You do not have to accept everything in order to be submissive. Saying no is perfectly normal and okay.

A way to avoid responsibility you are as equally responsible for maintaining the functionality of the relationships as your dominant is.

A reason to not communicate! Communication is the key to a functioning mutually beneficial relationship. Being the submissive does not take away your responsibility for actively communicating with your partner!

Abnegation – the denial of the self is not submission. You do not step away from the entirety of yourself because you are submissive.

Once again this is just meant as another piece of what this is. Submissive/submission means many things to many people & one post on one person’s website is not enough space to explore the diversity of experience and opinion.
I see the idea of submissive; in the context of a healthy mutually beneficial D/s relationship as a positive. It allows the submissive woman (or man) a starting point to explore their sexuality and sexual desires in a way that fulfils them.