Why the man I married isn’t my soulmate, but the man who nearly destroyed me is.

Soulmate; it sounds just so perfect doesn’t it? This ideal mirror of us. They just see you and, as if by some magical instinct brought from some other realm, they know you, understand you and get everything about you. The chemistry is hot and powerful. They shake you up, make you think about the world in ways you’d never thought of before. Your soulmate reaches down to the very core of who you are, and brings you into lessons you needed to learn and, will often, drag us out of the storm clouds and into the other side of the rainbow.

I’ve felt that once in my life. He was someone who I thought was my happily ever after. People would tell us all the time that we were just made for each other, that our chemistry was perfect and we just made each other. And for a while; it really was all of that and more. That was until real life smacked us square in the face. Where you have to come up for oxygen and start being a little more reactive to the world that still existed outside of our little nest.

For a while I was able to convince myself that the flattery and the attention, the packed lunches with sweet little notes and the orgasms were enough to see me through. That all he was doing was protecting me from the world and making everything okay again.

What happened between us, the facts, they’re not important. It’s the story around the what that matters when we’re talking about soulmates.

Because the connection and the chemistry they weren’t enough. And when we needed more, when we need to find the real enough to get through life, the facade fell apart. Fast. Almost as fast as the chemistry and the connection jumped up did it all jump off.

And both the jumping up and the jumping off happened in ways that, even now more than a decade later, I still can’t explain.

But my husband, this imperfect, sometimes infuriating man, I can tell you every detail about us. From the first words in his first email. I can describe the literal “foot pop” the first time he kissed me. And I can tell you the exact moment I knew that I’d fallen in love with this man. I can explain exactly how I came to choose him as the man I wanted to spend my happily ever after with.

There was never a moment like with my soulmate. Never anything more than that chemistry filled love that swept me away from life into a turbulent and overwhelming existence.

What I have, and what I think is the difference between a soulmate and a partner, is safety. Not just a physical or sexual safety ( I had that with the soulmate too) but a deeper, dare I say it a more spiritual safety. I have this vulnerability; coming from within the both of us, that brings out the best of us. We can be two very flawed individuals, but the relationship we have, I don’t know? It’s like it nurtures and holds the both of us, so that we can come together in the way that we do.

I was never d/s with my soulmate; I can’t say that I even knew what any of this was! But I’m starting to learn; and this is obviously quite contrary from the dominant narrative of d/s, that it’s not the d/s that fosters this intensity of partnership we’ve created. Rather what we have, in terms of our dynamic, comes alongside the partnership we build. Whereas my soulmate was gorgeous chaos and licentious lust; It really was so superficial! I’m grateful that I had him as my soulmate. He and our relationship really broke me as a woman, and so it is, in part (I’ve had some beautiful therapeutic spaces created in which I was able to challenge, craft and comfort myself into who I am today) something which I’ve learned through. A means to an end.

But my partnership, my dynamic, my marriage; it’s not a means to an end. More the means and the end.

It’s the means of cultivation and reflection. Of learning and being, and it’s the end. The reason for choosing him. He is my safety.

And maybe that’s the thing with our soulmates. I’m not saying that our partners cannot be our soulmates, but maybe our soulmates; that person, in my case, or those people who are lucky enough to find multiple soulmates in life, are here for us to use as a step into the person we’re needing to be and needing to be with.

I think of my soulmate often. Wondering where he is in his life. Who he is now compared to the man I walked away from. We have a mutual friend and I often find myself hovering over a Facebook message wanting to casually mention his name. He is a part of me, for better or worse. He is my history and has a place within me. But that’s all he is, and I think that is all he ever was meant to be. Something which, when I got through my brokenness, just sits in some small corner of my psyche reminding me of what was and how amazing, needed and safe what is really is for me.


Do not validate my feminism.

By now we’ve all had the pleasure of reading David Hon’s piece explaining (or is that mansplaining) why he won’t date a feminist.

At first I was like most of the commenters, I read his words, laughed and thought ‘thank god men like him will never want to date me’ and reminded myself to remember that I’m supposed to hate men. But then I looked beyond his simplistic rewording, straw-man positions and an intentional rejection of women’s subjective realities and tried to (I really did) understand what his objecting to dating women who are feminists really is all about.

But I couldn’t!

He states that he couldn’t date someone who saw his genitals as giving him advantage that he doesn’t actually have, because believing in privilege takes romance from a partnership to a power struggle. Which I’m assuming creates one of the complex advantages for women that don’t exist for men – because rape culture doesn’t exist. These advantages are “deeply personal” as opposed to political issues. I think he’s trying to play the “personal is political” mantra of feminism but using in it create the illusion that, what he calls “anti-male or anti-female”, are not as we claim the complex result of social inequity and oppression, but rhetoric rooted in a previous bad experience that are also cultural opinions that reflect our own world views.

He concludes by stating that “Maybe one day, men and women will stop trying to eliminate the lines between us and realize it’s the differences between the sexes that make romance, family and love an enjoyable experience”.

And I have no idea what on earth his actual complaint against dating a feminist actually is. If we take his premise that feminism (anti-male rhetoric) is just a consequence of bad experiences, then don’t we have to apply the same to his anti-feminism (anti-female rhetoric) is just a consequence of his own bad experiences?

But the more I sat with this and stopped laughing at what I see as a pathetic argument from a man who can’t date women who are feminists because they create bad experiences for him, I realised what was a much larger issue for me.

I’m not concerned by his choice not to date feminists (although I do have an issue with him being given such a public platform to share this), there wouldn’t be many women who are feminists who would want to date men with his world view.

My problem with the way that this piece comes across is that his rejection of feminism is important.

The assumption that feminists need their feminism validated by outsiders; especially men. I can’t quite put my finger on why this one piece made me connect to this, but something in the way he positions feminism as an obstacle to authentic and functioning romantic relationships between men and women. An obstacle to be overcome or used as a means to reject women. If we are wanting to be seen as desirable/datable/fuckable then we have to accept that our feminism – however that may manifest itself must be put up to interrogation.

Here’s the thing. I don’t need my feminism and the perspectives of the world it gives me validated by any man. Be that my husband. My father. My brother. My boss. A total stranger writing a poorly thought out, click bait opinion piece.

I know that there is a wage gap. Not just because statistics tell me. But because women tell me they experience a wage gap. And I believe them. I know there is a culture in which the complexity and criminality of sexual assault is routinely minimised – on campus and elsewhere. Not just because research and anecdotal evidence tells me. But because women tell me of their own experiences of rape culture. And I believe them. I know that the systematic and structural expectations, assumptions and rules that come together; created by and for a very particular demographic – men, is real. Not because I’ve read generations of sociological theory and quantitative data that demonstrates a difference between the ways in which males and females experience and/or are punished by the world. Not because I’ve listen and responded to the experiences of other women in this system. But because I’ve experienced it myself!

My personal and my political are one in the same. My political position influences almost all of my everyday decisions. And yes, my feminism has and does influence the decisions I make in my intimate and domestic spaces which will disqualify me from a male gaze centred ideal of desirability. I understand that.

But what I do not understand is this need for men to be seen as some kind of  gatekeepers of our feminism. That if they accept and respect what it is that creates our feminist worldview then we are more valid and valued than others – especially when it comes to sex.

Sex advice is abhorrent and why it’s not okay.

It doesn’t take much for me to find fault with a lot of what is considered sex education/advice these days. There is still a lot of retrograde male bodied entitlement and rejection of female autonomy and pleasure underlying our common understandings of sex. This is so common, so expected that, even in something as left of centre and progressive as The Guardian it can still be found.

From the headline alone of this advice column one could assume that the realm of sex is dictated to us by our male counterparts and, us poor female folk are relegated to the world of fantasy and unrequited romance. Which is bad enough. Until you get to the actual advice that is being dished out.

Our 20 something protagonist is dissatisfied with her boyfriend. She doesn’t enjoy sex with her boyfriend at all and can mealy fantasie about intimacy and romance because he “doesn’t like vanilla sex”. The only other piece of information we are offered is her medical diagnosis of vaginismus now classified as genito-pelvic pain/penetration disorder (DSM5) which is characterised as significant distress (75 to 100% of the time and for a period of time exceeding 6 moths) due to the “difficulty in vaginal penetration, marked vulvovaginal or pelvic pain during penetration or attempt at penetration, fear or anxiety about pain in anticipation of, during, or after penetration, and tightening or tensing of pelvic floor muscles during attempted penetration.”[1].I’m not going to broach the issue of female sexual dysfunction. It’s something that deserves a piece all of its own.

We all have our own unique sexual peculiarities and idiosyncrasies. That’s what makes us unique in the ways that we humans experience sex. It is an act for pleasure more so than one for procreation. The spectrum and diversity of the array of desires and behaviours that come together to form the umbrella of sex is, as far as I’m concerned, immeasurable. Chances are if you have thought of it someone, somewhere has or is doing it.

The irregularity is the distribution of sexual pleasure within heterosexual intimate relationships is just another way in which ingrained sexism manifests in the lives of women in 2016. And Pamela Stephenson Connolly; our in resident sex guru at The Guardian has given a fantastic example of just this.

She writes “female notions of intimacy and romance are commonly alien and mysterious to men. One should never expect a man to automatically know what those fantasies of yours are, or even to consider them important” Now we don’t actually know what these particular fantasies are of the woman posing the question here, beyond that they are centered in romance and intimacy.

Are the ideas of romance and intimacy truly alien to men? Are we women who desire romance and intimacy truly that mysterious to those who we (as heterosexual women) actively desire and seek out as sexual partners?

Connolly makes reference to two specific actions that she considers to be romance/intimacy – holding hands and kissing at the cinema and (supposedly the more challenging notion) looking into the eyes of the person you are with while having sex. Physical touch and eye contact – alien and mysterious!

A woman writes in asking for help, a woman who cannot enjoy the sex that her boyfriend is expecting of her, and the only advice that is available to her is to, essentially beg, for him to kiss her, outside of the bedroom and to look at her when having sex. I just cannot imagine how “help me bring intimacy into my sex life” became “hold hands at the cinema”.

This has really frustrated me, and going by the comments that have been left on the piece itself and the conversations about the piece I’ve seen on social media I am not the only one frustrated for what has been considered appropriate sex/relationship advice here!

My first frustration is this continuation myth that being into kink is an automatic aversion to romance or intimacy. We’re not talking Hollywood or viral marriage proposal so called romance here. We are talking about affection and intimacy. You can be in a mutually satisfying romantic relationship in which kinky sex happens.

Kink – which is what I am assuming is being referred to as non-vanilla/rough sex, is not synonymous with not being able or willing to satisfy your sexual partner. It just isn’t! Kink is a means to mutual sexual satisfaction between two people who both want what is occurring. Ignoring the way that your partner is experiencing sex with you isn’t kink, it’s being a selfish prat who is choosing to not satisfy the person you are in a sexual relationship with.

What kink is NOT is heterosexual men using the ideas and behaviours commonly associated with it as a means of justifying their adversity or inability to satisfy their sexual partners.

The first time I read through the advice given here I was instantly hit with this idea that there is something inherently wrong with the “female” need for intimacy. That expecting intimacy is so far out of the realm of normal within heterosexual relationships that A, we cannot expect it without explicitly educating the other person as to how romance is to be and B, that “when he gets it right, reward him with something he especially likes”. Now I do agree that we do need to fill or sexual partners in when it comes to the more peculiarities of what we do in our boudoir. Communication is the only way that we can ensure that we are able to get what it is we want from our intimate lives. And maybe I’ve just gotten lucky when it comes to my sexual partners that sex and intimacy just have always gone hand in hand. But I really cannot accept that in 2016 I would have to tell my boyfriend (not a random one-night stand) that looking me in the eyes when having sex with me would be a good thing and rewarding him for it when he does.

Which brings me to my biggest problem with this advice. It treats sex as transactional – that in order to get what I want (intimacy) I have to do what you want – even though it is clearly stated that there is no sexual pleasure for her.

Giving of sexual pleasure to our partner without the expectation of something in return can be a really healthy act. If, and only if, it is not the constant way of having sex. Same goes with expecting a reward for the giving of sexual pleasure. We have sex with our partners to have sex with them, the whole of them. Be it a quick fuck in the shower before work in the morning or a romantic weekend away with lots of sex happening. Sex is something we do with another person, that’s why it’s not masturbation.

There is zero mutuality in either the relationship in the original question or within the advice given. That is there is no empathy for her sexual needs nor any attempt to understand let alone meet her needs. Clearly it is assumed that women are not only the gatekeepers of sex but also carry the entire burden of adjusting our sexual behaviours and expectations to align with men.

“I do not enjoy sex at all and my boyfriend is quite rough with me as he doesn’t like “vanilla sex”. I fantasise about intimacy and romance every day, but it always stays as a fantasy” (emphasis mine) says our letter writer. And all she can do is consider her fantasies so alien that she must reward her sexual partner for his effort in trying to understand them.

When did sex become all about one partner taking what they want while ignoring the entirety of their partner’s sexual pleasure? And when did “non-vanilla” sex become another term for not being able to satisfy your girlfriend?

[1]IsHak, W. W., & Tobia, G. (2013). DSM-5 changes in diagnostic criteria of sexual dysfunctions. Reproductive System & Sexual Disorders, 2013.



#What is – Limits

We all have wants, needs and desires, just as we all have boundaries, levels of comfort.  and what I like to call the fuck off zone.

Here I want to go through the concept of limits. There are dozens of ways to approach ones’ limits, just Goggle “BDSM limits” to check out how others have done it. Again, there is nothing in this that is a ‘you must do’. This isn’t a one size fits all solution & probably won’t make much sense to those who see sex and relationships differently to what I do. I’m coming into this as an individual who sees intimate relationships as an erotic space for meeting the needs of myself and my partner. It’s a mutually satisfying, healthy space. I also see limits in term of ours and not mine and his. It’s our relationship, our sex life and it’s our responsibility to come into this honestly and with the intention of creating a safe sex life that works for both of us.

 While we all do things in our own way, I think there are a few common truths that can be accepted as just being the way that things need to be in order for them to work. And if there was one thing, one question that I think needs to be at the centre of our sex lives it would be this:

 If you don’t know what is okay you cannot possibly know what isn’t. How can you have unwanted without wanted?


It might seem strange starting a post about limits looking at what is rather than what isn’t, but the process of recognising and setting out the limits of our relationships has to being with recognising and setting out what is needed from the relationship. Both of you have to know and understand not only what you need from your partner but what your partner needs from you.

I don’t think it’s possible to see limits outside of needs. How can you say no if there is no yes? This reframing enables us to bring consent into a positive model based on the ‘yes’ rather than something that is centred on just a ‘no’.

 What I’ve put here may seem simplistic, and in many ways it is. I had a job a few years back where I had to teach budgeting to teenagers. I had to come up with a really simplistic way to convey not only the importance of budgeting but the practical ways of how to budget I came up with a way that used different coloured envelopes in order to demonstrate a way to spend money based on importance and need. I’ve taken the idea of colours and turned them from envelopes into boxes – metaphorical boxes.

 I’m a very visual learner and need to see what I’m playing with (sorry about that bad pun), I have to be able to see the differences in ideas and where things fit in the big picture. Something like this allows me to see and separate wanted from unwanted. It gave me a way to bring in what he wanted and didn’t want so that I could see what lined up and  those things that I’m not quite sure about and need a little more thinking or talking about.

 And finally, it gives me something at the end that is easy to read at a glance. I can see the results of the conversations about what is and isn’t needed in our relationship.

Keep in mind that for this to work these boxes need to be realistic and fluid. They will change as the relationship evolves. What ends up in the green box can be moved into the red, and vice versa. New ideas and needs can be added at anytime.

 The reason I feel this way of contextualising and seeing limits is so important is this. Consent is free agreement. For something to go into the green box both people have to freely agree to it. Until that point of free agreement is reached it does not go into the green box – it is, a limit. It’s a way of seeing the needs, desires and boundaries of yourself and your partner clearly. It enables you both to acknowledge each other’s needs – including the ones you don’t like. It allows you to really understand what the words you are both using really mean. It’s all well and good to say “I want pain play” or to tick a box on a downloaded checklist but what does that really mean? Are you both on the same page when it comes to what exactly pain play is and how it will fit into your kink play? Words really are just letters that are ordered in a way that we are able to recognise until we add meaning to them.

 As always this is just one way of seeing the complexity of need in sexual relationships. I don’t want this to be seen as the only way or the must do way. Ignore it completely, laugh at it and stick with what you’ve done, take something but leave everything else. Use this however you need to in order to have to tools you need to create the safe, nurturing, healthy, functioning relationships and sex life you need to be you.


The place to start is with me. Call it the me box.

 In this box i want you to put all the things you know you can do, you have done, you want to do and that you like the idea of.

I want you to name it. Don’t just put a word that you’ve heard or read about. Name the action that you want to try or the need you have in a way that means something to you.

I want you to describe it. Describe exactly what this word is and how you see this working for you.

I want you to put a boundary about it. Where does this action/need begin and end? How do you know if it’s working or not? How are you going to know when to stop, rethink or remove it entirely?

 This could include things like

 Monogamy or polyamory

Language – will the submissive call their dominant sir? Is the words slut and bitch okay to use?

Physical needs – what is it that you need in order to become sexually aroused or orgasm?

Giving – what is it that you are prepared to give to the other person?

Love – do you need romantic love to be able to submit to another?

Control – do you need to feel control just in the bedroom? Are you looking to expand this into other areas of life?


The second box is the you box – it’s all about the other person.


In this box the other person puts all of the things that want to do, thinks they might like or has done. Same rules apply as for the purple box.

Name it

Describe it

Define the boundary


 The third box is the red box or what I call the fuck off box (seriously this is what it’s called here!)I often say “I’m putting that one in the fuck off box” when he decides to show me things that make me want to run away and hide).

In this box I want you to put all the things that are a no, the things that are no go areas.

 Again name it, describe it and define the boundary. But I also want you to be confident enough to be able to place something in here without justifying it. We can say no, just no, without feeling like we have to defend that decision. Some things are just not for us and that’s okay.

But please do not fill this with things like ‘taking off my limbs’ or murder. If you have to define the rape of children as a limit with a potential sex partner then you should stop now, turn around and walk away! Genuine communication is realistic and focused. It’s about two human coming together to create something that works for them. Leave the over the top romanticism and tall tales of worst case scenario for the fiction writers.

 This can also include things that could turn into a maybe but aren’t there right now. I don’t like using the idea of “soft” and “hard” limits. Something is either agreed to or it isn’t. Remember what is in here today can be put into the green box tomorrow.

 This could include things like:

Physical limitations – as obvious as they might be, it can help to still write them down. I can’t wear heels (one too many broken ankles) but he loves high heels especially ballet boots. So heels one of my limits.

 Monogamy or polyamory – is a non-monogamous relationship a no go for you?

Sex – Is anal sex something that you just won’t consider?

Pain threshold – do you know where that limit is? Where pain jumps from pleasure to distress? Do you know which implement just doesn’t work for you?

Language – is calling you a slut just off the table?

 The next box is the green box. It’s the us box. It’s also the tricky one.

 What I want you to do is sit down with your partner and go through both the me and you boxes. I want you to add into this green box all of the things out of the me and you box that you can both agree belong in your relationship. Nothing that is not agreed upon by the both of you is allowed in the green box.

 This is where negotiation comes into it.

 Negotiation is a process of communication that is goal orientated. In order to meet the goal (filling the green box with all the awesome kinky stuff that’s going to happen) you are going to have to talk about what is in the me and you boxes!

 Negotiation is complex and there are many ideas and theories as to what makes someone good at negotiation or what makes negotiation a success. Here are a few tips to help get things moving.

 Commonality – you both want the same thing. Remember that goal and let that be the common meeting point when things get a bit heated.

 Discussion – this is a conversation. It’s not a debate, you are not trying to persuade each other to see things your way. You are discussing the green box; what’s going in there, how it could work and what it is you need to do in order to get things in the green box.

 Acknowledge conflict (when it arises) – some things are going to get into the green box pretty fast. For you to even be at this point in a relationship there has to be common ground, something that brought you together. But there are often things that need a little bit more work. Conflict is going to come up and when it does you need to acknowledge that this (whatever this is) is causing a problem. Put it aside for now and come back to it later.

 Identify points of compromise – now I know some people see compromise as a no go (especially dominants for some reason).  Remember this is all about the green box; the thing that you want the most. Why else would you be doing this if you didn’t want what’s going to end up in the green box? See compromise as giving what you are prepared to in order to get what you want more. This doesn’t mean you give in or give up. It doesn’t mean that the other person can control or coerce. Every decision made has to come from a place of free will and end in free agreement.

 And finally, the maybe box

In this box you put in anything that is left over from the me and you box, the stuff that didn’t make it into the green and red. What is in this maybe box cannot be moved into the green box without both of you agreeing to it. If you find there is something which you just cannot come to agreement about, or there are things that need a bit more time to discuss, put it in here.

What is in here are just the things that need a bit more discussion. Maybe you need to rethink how it’s going to fit into your relationship. Maybe one person doesn’t quite understand what the other is trying to describe. Maybe this is something that one wants but the other isn’t quite ready to try it yet. Maybe there needs to be a little bit more talk about the boundaries.

The things in the maybe box are not limits; as in not going to happen, but they aren’t the things that are okay –yet. Sometimes it can take a bit for you to get your head around an idea, or work out how something is actually going to work. Sometimes the conflict is becoming the talking point and not the idea itself. And sometimes you just need to come back to something.

Like I said this seems really simple, and it is. It’s a way of taking something that can be quite overwhelming – like talking about your sexual desires and how an intimate relationship is going to work, and breaking it down into smaller pieces. Something like this allows both of you to have the space to figure out your own wants and do not wants and then to be able to come together set the start of what will hopefully a mutually satisfying intimate relationship. By taking mine and yours and making them ours the boundaries of a relationship fit and allow for a much safer erotic space

This is free agreement. This is consent. This just makes sense!

Questioning authenticity .

When I sat down to write this I thought I’d be able to sit at the computer Google a few words, get a meaning and just write. I mean, there are thousands of us who use the internet as their medium to write about sex; some of them had to come up with a genuine definition of the authentic sexual self right? But no. Although if someone can find something about living an authentic sexual self for the self I’d love to read it.

Realising this wasn’t going to be as easy as I first thought (I’m learning this lesson a lot lately) I decided to go to the master of authentic self Abraham Maslow.

“Whereas the average individuals “often have not the slightest idea of what they are, of what they want, of what their own opinions are,” self-actualizing individuals have “superior awareness of their own impulses, desires, opinions, and subjective reactions in general”

Maslow tells us that we are all capable of wanting more. That when our most human of needs are meet we are motivated to go after what it is that will satisfy us more. As with every psychological theory (theory being the why of human not the what is human) there are supporters and detractors. I can see both sides and as I continue my psychology education I can rationalise the strengths and weaknesses of Maslow’s hierarchy.

But the one thing I can both subjectively and objectively agree with is the theory that to be fully human rather than to exist as a human we need to allow ourselves to become in tune with our bodies. This is something that a lot of us will never be able to achieve; our social and culture realities and lived experiences will always deny us this space. But for some it is a possibility – maybe not a complete one; again we cannot distance ourselves from the culture we exist in.

Sexually; I see this as the end point of my sexuality. Sometimes I think I’m going to reach it & then my body tells me otherwise. Sometimes I feel that super awareness of my desires and then I realise there is more to it than I first thought. I have an evolving sexuality. It’s something that has high peaks and deep deep troughs. My sexuality is messy, confusing, confronting and sometimes I want to run from it. But it’s mine. It’s taken me 30 something years to get to where I am with my body and to a place where I am comfortable with using my body as a means of taking sexual pleasure. I became somewhat of an expert in using my body to give, but using it to take took me a little longer to master.  I choose to use my body in a way that I know works for me. I’ve taken time to explore various sensations and responses to listen to my body and to adjust what I’m doing to give it what it needs. I trust my body to tell me when it’s had enough or when it needs more. I trust myself unconditionally and without hesitation.

Does this mean I don’t trust the man I am with? No. I respect and trust him. I respect and trust the empathetic, mutually respectful and satisfying erotic space we’ve created, that we use to satisfy ourselves and each other. I just trust myself too.

I’ve been doing a bit of reading lately; blogs and personal accounts written by women. These pieces centre around their sexuality and sexual performance, and while not wanting to dismiss their words and experiences entirely I am getting bored of them. There seems to be this dominant theme running through a great number of them whereby they were somehow incapable or unwilling to understand their reality as a sexual being until their knight in shining armour stepped into their picture. It was the other persona and not themselves who awoken this waiting inner “slut” in them. But someone who actually defines their sexual self as this inner slut often centres it as theirs/his (I mostly see this in hetero couples). It’s not hers it’s his. It is only through him and by aligning their sense of self with him that this inner slut can exist. Not thrive but merely exist.

I get the desire to satisfy your partner. It’s a unique experience to know that you hold the power and knowledge to bring about such intense, satisfying and wanted pleasure in another. But can one genuinely sustain their entire sexuality through abdicating everything about their body and desires to another? It is an authentic space to exist in when everything about it is about one out of the two persons involved? Is it safe when the only way you can be with and/or satisfy your partner is by removing everything about you?



Dating d/s.

So many times I’ve read women asking how to do this d/s thing so I thought I’d write down a few of the things that I feel are important to know. I’m not going to include the mechanics of or how to personalise a d/s relationship and I’m not going to write a piece as a how to if you want to be considered submissive and seen as doing it right. Rather I’m going to write this with you (you the reader) in mind; the you that is a woman, a woman looking for a relationship.

 I’m going to use this to address some to the basics that I think are important to understand when first stepping out to explore kink; six really simple (to me) rules, a how to guide if you like. Things that I think should be considered when in those early phases of exploration and connection.

I had always thought there was something missing when I discovered all things kink, like there was some step that I missed when I applied for my visa into the world of strange things sexy. Then I started to realise that no matter what label I gave myself or how many letters I added to the sex I wanted it I had to bring everything that I knew about myself as a woman and dating to the kink equation.

First and foremost d/s is a relationship; the coming together of two (or more) people to create a healthy, manageable and functioning space. If you see d/s as anything other than this than these tips aren’t going to (probably) make any sense to you.
Rule 1


Then it is probably wrong for you!

There are a million different ways to do a billion different things but that doesn’t mean you have to do any of them. You don’t have to send naked pictures. You don’t have to call anyone anything if you don’t want to. You do not have to change the way you think of something, restrict your actions, make excuses for who you are, believe the first thing you read (including what you are reading right now) if it doesn’t feel right to you!

Maybe 99 girls out of 100 would do it no questions asked but that one who doesn’t isn’t doing anything wrong. All she is doing is what is right for her and you have to do what is right for you.

Setting boundaries is an adult thing to do. It is not a dominant thing nor does it make you less submissive. Saying upfront that something is not okay with you is okay. (See rule 5)



Don’t do it now!

Would you let someone ignore you for three days and then come back pretending that everything was okay?
Would you let someone you were dating just stand you up with no communication at all and not ask him why?
Are you okay with not being able to ask questions when you believe the answers are important?
Is there a boundary that you believe should not be crossed when you are getting to know someone?
Is talking about sex in the first message okay with you?

All of the things that you needed and/or expected when you have dated in the past are still there. The context of your needs may have changed but you are the same person you have always been.



This is a HUGE one for me. Being honest with yourself about what you are looking for is one of the most important things that we need to do.

Be honest about what you are expecting. Do you want a NSA casual sexual relationship or are you looking for a long term commitment. Do you want absolute monogamy or are you open to the idea of non-monogamy.

Be honest about your experiences and desires, your boundaries and your concerns.

Be honest about safe sex! If you cannot talk about doing it safe you shouldn’t be doing it!

Expect and demand that the person you are speaking with will do the same!

Rule 4


Keep yourself safe!

Your sexual health is your responsibility! STI’s and pregnancy happen to kinky people too! Even slaves have to go for their regular gyno exams. It is your responsibility to take your pill. It’s your responsibility to demand a condom. It’s your responsibility to get tested. No adult would ask you to endanger your physical health, or mental health for that matter!

Rule 5


Consent is just so damn sexy don’t you think?

What we do is consensual. It’s all about two (or more) adults having mutually satisfying intimate and/or sexual relationships. Relationships that are NEGOTIATED. If anal is something that you can’t get your head around then say so. If you don’t want him/her to access your emails, control your money, tell you to do things to your body while you are at work, use punishments in the dynamic then bloody well say no & demand that your answer is accepted. Of course boundaries change but if what you want now is A then A is what you want

Make sure that you can clearly identify a point of consent. If you are unsure ASK.

Again if you can’t talk about it you shouldn’t be doing it!

This also comes down to compatibility! You have to want the same (similar) things in order to create and maintain a functioning and fulfilling relationship. If the person you are getting to know loves anal and it is a limit for you then you may not be compatible with each other. The sub is not a fake because she doesn’t like anal penetration and the dom is not a predator because anal is his thing and wants it. Those two people are just not what each other needs!

There seems to be this idea that because A is a dom and B is a sub they are automatically meant to be. We are all unique individuals who like things differently in the bedroom. Some people are going to want us and others won’t. It’s not the end of the world and PLEASE please DO NOT compromise on things that are really important!

If you want a long term emotionally invested relationship then don’t settle for a NSA. It cannot satisfy you, it will not satisfy you.

If you are monogamous then you are monogamous and that dom who has 7 other subs is really not going to do it for you.

If you only want d/s in the bedroom then don’t feel you have to go 24/7.

There are an infinite number of ways to do d/s & have kinky sex so do it your way.

Rule 6.


Ask yourself and ask the other person everything that you can think of. If you are unsure of something ask. If the person you are talking to mentions something that he/she wants in a relationship and you are not 100% sure what they are meaning; ask them to clarify.

This includes reading! But reading with an open mind and an understanding that not everything you read is safe or right for you. If you are Googling anything to get a better understand of what something is then please don’t just take the first answer you find as gospel! Anyone can write anything and upload it. So please just use caution.

When you read something don’t take it as gospel; even if the author is marketed as some kind of expert or ‘community’ icon. Here’s the thing the author may have a great knowledge base about a particular topic but he/she knows absolutely nothing about you! How your body/mind works is going to be different to anyone else’s and so yes, Mr mcdomlyone may be an expert in whatever it is but his expertise are significantly limited when it comes to applying them to you.

Use common sense; sure there are those who argue that common sense isn’t so common anymore, but don’t step outside of the real world & who you are as a person when you start exploring all of this. It’s unrealistic to think that there is some alternative reality here.

Kink is still sex. It needs to be consensual and mutually satisfying. It needs to be healthy and it needs to be realistic. But most of all it needs to be what you really want, kink needs to give you something that will bring a positive to your life; be it purely physical interactions of S&M that give you physical release and/or satisfaction or a relationship that has D/S as it’s foundation. There is a spectrum of consensual kink that is really limited by your imagination and confidence to go get it but it has to be something that you want.